In the four years since Billy Joe Saunders was stopped by Saul "Canelo" Alvarez not a single night has passed without him reliving the painful ending over and over in his head before he manages to drift off to sleep.

It was May 8, 2021, at AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas, where Saunders headed into the biggest fight of his life and the culmination of more than two decades of pain and sacrifice. He had felt comfortable that night, surprised at the level of success he was having against the best fighter on the planet.

But everything changed as the eighth round reached its halfway mark. As Saunders, a southpaw, attempted to land with a slashing lead hook, Canelo cleverly swayed backwards and fired back with a rear uppercut, immediately causing multiple orbital fractures in his opponent’s right eye socket.

Saunders (30-1, 14 KOs) refused to go down and hung on until the end of the round despite the shattered bone fragments, but he was pulled out by his corner before the ninth could begin.

“I remember people saying, 'Billy Joe quit, Billy Joe this, Billy Joe that,'” the 35-year-old tells The Ring. “But my corner pulled me out. There’s never been an ounce of quit in my body But it’s something that still lives upon you and you ask yourself: ‘Is that people’s perception of me?’”

In the months that followed the stoppage, Saunders retreated into the shadows and was barely seen around the boxing world, his home for so long, whatsoever. Before he even realised, those months became years and it was not until he rocked up at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium as a favour to Conor Benn before his fight with Chris Eubank Jr on April 26, he had barely been pictured at a boxing event.

He had found solace in family time, managing a handful of professional fighters and spending time with his horses, but the truth was, Saunders was hurting badly. Try as he might, there was simply no filling the void that boxing had left.

“Never once did it go through my head that I was actually retired,” Saunders adds. “It all just took a long time to get my head around because I had built up so much to that fight. When I was in there I was thinking ‘Is this it?’ I had built him up so much in my mind. Look, he’s stopped me in eight rounds so I’m not suggesting he wasn’t good because he’s the best I’ve ever shared a ring with, probably the best fighter of the generation, but honestly when I was in there it didn’t really feel like that.

“I felt I was in the fight and then it ended how it ended. Sometimes I sit and think, 'Well, why did I have to get an injury in that particular fight when I haven't got them in my other 30 fights? Why did that happen to me then?' I know that I wasn’t really out of my depth. I never felt outclassed.

“The feelings on the fight have not changed in four years. I still think about that fight every single night. There's a lot of questions, a lot of demons inside me I need to get out. There’s only one way to get them out and to answer the questions and that is by getting back in the ring. Let’s see what I’ve got left there.”

Saunders has teased a ring return before, but nothing has ever materalised. This time, he insists, he is serious. He booked a one-way ticket to Thailand for an intense training camp, where he lost 50lbs and got back to regular punching again. It was the first time since the Canelo fight that a comeback seemed genuinely realistic and finally there was a light at the end of a very dark tunnel that he entered four years ago.

“So the first year after the fight I just had to enjoy myself,” Saunders recalls. “Second was a bit of gym. It was, 'Do I? Don't I?’ But I put on a lot of weight. At one point I got up to 18st. So then in the third year it was just about getting some weight off so I could at least look presentable. But the problem was there was no real end goal for me.

“Life without boxing is harder than I ever imagined. And I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t know what will ever fill that gap from boxing. Even if I come back and have 10 more fights, when I stop again I don’t know what’s going to fill that gap.

“Trying to fill that gap probably got me lower than anything ever has before in my life. You think to yourself, 'Right, I’ll just go out for a week,' or ‘Let’s go on holiday. I’ll take the kids somewhere.' Or ‘I’ll go and buy some more horses or I’ll do this, I’ll do that.

“There is simply nothing that will ever fill that gap and that makes you think. It’s a bit sad, really. I remember I used to look at the likes of Ricky Hatton, Joe Calzaghe or Oscar De La Hoya, who struggled after retirement. I used to think, 'What are you doing? What’s going on?’

“But now I have been through that myself and I’ve realised people are just trying to fill the gap boxing has left in their lives. Because I’ve done this since I was five and, let me tell you, it’s a very, very big gap to fill.

“I haven’t really found anything to take me away from my thoughts still. I thought that time goes by and I’ll get over it, but it's very hard to get over something when you've done it since five years old.”

After hearing Saunders speak about the last four years, it is quite easy to see why he is planning a comeback. The former WBO middleweight and super middleweight champion says he has even met with his long-term promoter Frank Warren to get the ball rolling on a plan which the former hopes will result in a return, at 175lbs, in September.

“It’s more a case of needing to do it for myself rather than anything else, including world titles,” Saunders adds. “My biggest goal would be to become a three-weight world champion, but let’s just get back fighting and then see where we are.

“If I go in there and get splattered by somebody, then I can look at myself and go, 'Well, look, it wasn't X, Y and Z. Clearly, you left that too late.' I can probably live with that, if I'm totally honest. But if I do everything right and go in there, and I know how I'm feeling, I’ll be OK. I’ve still never been down once, 86 amateur bouts, 31 fights as a pro, even against Canelo, never touched a canvas in my life. I’m fresh.

“I’ll be meeting with George and Frank Warren again, having a conversation about a plan from there, but the plan for me is that I just have to have a goal.

“I have set my sights on something and then I have to deliver. I have to do what I’m saying I’m going to do for my own self. Not for fans, not for TV, not for promoters, not for managers, but for myself.

“I’m the one who has to look myself in the mirror, and I’m the one who has to get to sleep every night.”